Faith Of The Heart
by CdL
Summary: Connor writes a letter witha shocking response. ***Part 3 now up!***
1. Chapter 1

Title: Faith Of The Heart Author: Claudie Loire AKA CdL Pairings: D/C Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: umm everthing? Synopsis: Connor writes a letter to a very unusual person. Distribution: Unnatural, Only Death & Destiny, Otherwise just ask. Im very likely to say yes. Disclaimer: Not mine, I wish! The poem is by me however. The song is by Russel Watson. Dedication: Kizmet K, who gave me the idea for the opening paragraph and Cynthia, who gave me the idea.  
  
//Its been a long road. Getting from there to here. It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near. // Dear Mother, Have you ever had one of those moments in your life were you wonder what its all about? What's the point? And have you ever asked someone this very question? I'm willing to say that most people will have gotten the same answer too. //And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.// Happiness is what we live for. That joy of hearing someone laugh or someone so enthralled in another they love they see no one else. My joy has a name. She's called Dawn. It is an appropriate name too. When you see her, that's what it feels like. The beauty of a dawn, that brightness of a new day. When she smiles, My God, and by the way I do know I shouldn't take the Lords name in vain but I think I am already in heaven when she smiles. It is as simple as that. There is nothing more beautiful in the world that when she is happy, and nothing more painful when she is sad. It makes me feel like the most important person in the world when she's around and cuts me to the bone when we are apart. I don't know what I'd do without her.  
  
//And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no, they´re not gonna hold me down.// Dad, he's talking about getting a tutor. I know he means well, he always does, but its .embarrassing. Especially around Dawn. I mean, she's really smart and it'll be embarrassing. What do you think I should do? I know I shouldn't be scared but.shes just so different. Out of place yet really in place. Around her, I belong. //I´ve got faith of the heart.  
  
I´m going where my heart will take me.  
  
I´ve got faith to believe I can do anything.  
  
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.  
  
I can reach any star.// I feel so out of place sometimes. To quote myself, "I don't remember being lost." Do you remember? Do you know that I think I'm falling in love? It's such weird feeling. Like acrobats jumping without nets, yet no one ever asks about her. When I ask, they go quiet. What's the big secret? //It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.  
  
Been through the darkness.// Everyone is always asking if I'm ok. You wana know how I feel?....I feel confused, like im being pulled in all dirctions so much I don't feel like me because im surrounded by people talking all at once and I don't understand. But at the same time I feel alone, utterly and completely. In the concept of both, i - im confused, and a little afraid. Afraid of who I am, what I am. That no one knows but me....and the fact that I don't even know......I hate to admit it.....but that scares me most of all. But since meeting Dawn I don't feel so confused anymore in one way and so confused in the next. Do you know what I mean? Did you feel that with Dad? //I´ve known the wind so cold, and seen the darkest days.  
  
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.  
  
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.  
  
But I´ll be fine.// I 'll be fine with her. Nothing can go wrong. Listen to me. I'm talking to death mother. Who is evil and in hell. You don't hear me. Why do I bother? Its stupid. Love, Connor" With that Connor tossed the leter to the floor, and shut his eyes. Within moments he was asleep. Then, something strange happened. A pen lifted itself and started to write... TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Have you ever heard a bluetits cry?  
  
Had to wipe a tear from your loved one's eye?  
  
Have you ever laughed with relief?  
  
What about cry or scream or grieve?  
  
Have you ever thought you would die?  
  
Have you ever seen a sky filled with stars?  
  
Ever wondered if you'll ever live on mars?  
  
Have you ever cried at a film?  
  
Been filled with happiness over the brim?  
  
What about a new friendship pledged and try,  
  
To understand someone you hate?  
  
To give them that much needed break?  
  
Have you never done any of these?  
  
Perhaps forgotten to say thank you or please?  
  
Have you ever tryed to know?  
  
If not, are you even alive?" I'm alive. I wasn't really sure before, but I guess now I am. This is my way of saying thankyou. Connor. 


	2. Chapter 2

Connor Angel slept badly. It was a fact of life he had learned to deal with. But last night, he slept soundly for the first time in so long. He'd woken up the next morning with a feeling of relaxation and peace. In fact, he'd never felt better. Pushing his weight on to his hands, he sat up. He looked through the bedroom - his bedroom - window and the bright Los Angeles sun shone through the window. It was late.  
  
"Connor?"  
  
He heard Angel's voice from outside, and in that instant, he entered the room. He looked wide-awake, wearing black jeans and a cream jumper. He came in and sat down on the bed, smoothing the covers. He cleared his throat, and asked how he'd slept.  
  
"Fine,"  
  
He squirmed slightly, and asked if he wanted anything else to read. Connor answered that he did not. Suddenly, he understood the saying that silence can be deafening. His father.Angel.suddenly stood and said, "Well, if you feel like some lunch, I could fix you something."  
  
"Lunch?" What had happened to breakfast?  
  
"Its past one," Angel answered as if he had read his mind. He smiled and Connors coldness melted slightly. This was something he had to get used to.  
  
"I'd like that," he said hoarsely, barely above a whisper.  
  
A smile spread across Angel's face. "I'll come up when it's ready, okay?"  
  
Connor just smiled. Angel turned to leave, but then tramped on something. He leant down and picked whatever it was up. Connor cocked his head to one side, with curiosity. It was a pen cap.  
  
"Looks like you forgot to cap your pen, " Angel smiled. He replaced the cap of the pen.  
  
No I didn't, Connor thought. But that was all. As Angel went downstairs, Connor dressed and washed quickly. As he re-entered the room some twenty minutes later, he noticed that the book he had been writing on the night before, and he had strewn across the room, was sitting neatly on his desk.  
  
This was just getting weirder and weirder. First the pen lid, and now a book I threw neatly. Did Angel do this? Cordelia perhaps? He opened to the page he had been writing and his stomach left for safer climate. There beside his own scruffy hand writing was elegant, old fathered hand writing, quite similar to his Fath-..Holtz's. He sat on his bed and his felt slightly dizzy as he began to read.  
  
"Dearest,  
  
I know that a life can be hard on you. Especially for a young man of your age. I am glad that you seem happy, with this Dawn. Maybe you are correct and that is what she is. A new Dawn. Hope on a horizon of the despair this life has put you through.  
  
In response to your question, I have questioned my existence, many times in fact. If I am honest, I have never asked, but if I were with you now I would say that you are the reason. My own little horizon, my dawn of new life.  
  
If I didn't know, I would say you are falling into a little thing called love. This love, it can hurt you sometimes. And by the hard you seem to be falling, it could hurt you a lot. She could. Be careful, my love. Love can burn you. Tear you up. I should know.  
  
You will always belong, Connor. You have a family. One who loves you. A devoted father who will do anything for you. A mother who wants to protect you.  
  
Some people are frightened of love. They have been burned and now a fearful of it. But love can be wonderful. Like waking up on a spring morning and she is the first you think of. That everything else no longer matters around her. That is love. And, I also think, that you are falling in love.  
  
I know you are afraid. You are a teenager it's allowed. Confusion is also a part of that. Its called growing up, and its a bitch. But a part of life, none the less. Loneliness is more frightening than anything else Connor. Never be lonely. Be happy. But if you need to cry, then do that too. Don't bottle it up.  
  
I do understand and I did and still do feel it. But I want him to be happy and we never could have been. Even with out little miracle, with you. Feel that and treasure it my love, it's a sacred feeling. And I'm happy for you and this Dawn. Tell me about her. What is she like? Who is she? Why has she enamoured your heart so?  
  
I've been dead before, and I could still talk. I'll always be there for you Connor. Always. I love you.  
  
Your somewhat late doting mother,  
  
Darla." 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Faith Of The Heart 3/? Author: Claudie Loire AKA CdL Pairings: D/C Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: umm everthing? Synopsis: Connor writes a letter to a very unusual person. Distribution: Unnatural, Only Death & Destiny, Otherwise just ask. Im very likely to say yes. Disclaimer: Not mine, I wish! The poem is by me however. The song is by Russel Watson. Dedication: Kizmet K, who gave me the idea for the opening paragraph and Cynthia, who gave me the idea.  
  
Connor's breathing had sped rapidly as he read the letter, over and over. Was this some kind of sick joke? The thought filled his clear blue eyes with tears. In that moment he could feel the cold, and he pulled the duvet covers over his arms, relishing the feel of them. He just could not understand. One of those tears escaped his eyes, and fell almost in slow motion, down his cheek and rolled of the tip of his nose, spilling on to the paper, smudging he writing just slight.  
  
"Hello sleepy-head," smiled a bubbly Cordelia as she entered the room-his room- this was so confusing. He quickly shut the book with hand and wiped his eyes with the other.  
  
Cordelia's stance changed when she seen Connor curled up in the blankets. He looked like a little boy. Which, to be technical, he still was. In this dimension, anyway. " Everything okay?"  
  
Connor forced a little smile. "Yes."  
  
"Its just you didn't come down for your lunch when Angel called," Cordelia prodded gently.  
  
Damn, he must have not heard with everything. "I just lost track of time,"  
  
"Easy enough to do," Cordelia replied. "Are you cold?" she commented, indicating the blanket.  
  
"Oh.." He genuinely smiled and said, "A little bit." Cordy couldn't decide which he looked more like at that moment: A deer caught in headlights or his father in the same position. She almost laughed. She walked over to the small chest of drawers, and found a black sweater. She handed it to him. "I think this is a little more effective and you wont get strange looks if you where it outside." She smiled. "Coming?"  
  
Connor nodded, set the book on the bed and headed down stairs. He ate his lunch in silence, polite giving yes, no, ok answers to all questions asked and attempts to start conversation. He had too much to think about and he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone here, not really, and that made him feel wary of all of them. He didn't know whom he could talk to. Then it hit him.  
  
"May I be excused?" he asked Angel, politely but showing the urgency.  
  
"Of course," Angel shrugged.  
  
Connor half ran into the office, grabbing his fathers address book as he wnr. He picked up the phone, and started going through the little book so vicariously that he dropped it.  
  
"Damn it, " he said, reaching for the book and started looking through the letters. J, K, L, M, N, Damn where was that freaking S ?! S, Summers, Buffy. Got it! He punched the numbers in and waited for the ringing on the end.  
  
"Hello?" Came a voice on the other end.  
  
"Dawn? Its Connor."  
  
Dawn's smile lit up on the other end of the phone. "Hi!"  
  
Connor shifted uncomfortably on the other end of the phone. "Listen, can you talk for a minute? I have to talk to you about something."  
  
"Sure, go ahead." Dawn dragged the phone over to the armchair while listening attentively to Connors hushed voice, on the end of the phone. At the end of the story, the phone went quiet and Dawn wasn't sure what to say. All she could think of was to tell him that he should write back.  
  
"Dawn, how longer are you planning to talk to your boy friend? I need to use the phone."  
  
Dawn turned to find Buffy staring at her, eyebrows up in that way you could tell that she was pissed. But Dawn felt all the blood rushing to her face involuntarily and all she could come out with was an embarrassed "He's not my boyfriend," She then turned to the phone and said her good byes, pushed the button and gave the phone to her sister.  
  
That night Connor decided to take Dawns advice. After all, Dawn was really smart. She lived on the Hell mouth! She had to be. He sat in the bed and started to write.  
  
"Mother,  
  
I'm not even sure if this is you I'm writing to, but Dawn I should at least reply to see. Hence, here I am.  
  
Its kind of you to talk like that, about me. But you don't know me so how could you know anything?  
  
Sometimes, family just isn't enough. You need other people to know you, to like you, to see you as a normal person, not some freak that they want to cut open and see how it works.  
  
To see me as me, as a him, not an it.  
  
Maybe I need to bottle things up. Who the hell am I supposed to talk to? Dad, who's so busy with saving the world and drooling over Cordelia to see as anything more than a nervous wreck of a child. I'm not a child, not anymore. But he wouldn't get that. He wants me to be that little child, I just don't have the heart to hurt him by saying otherwise. Cordelia maybe? Who preens herself for Dad, tries to replace my mother, tries to be you, and ends up making me feel worse because I'm reminded of my life being like it is. Being different. Gunn, who is wary of me and is Fred and she in him and her studies to take much notice, maybe Lorne, the demon, who I'm not sure I want to even be near. If there were someone I could talk to, I would not be sitting here writing this!  
  
I think you are right. Life is a bitch.  
  
Still do? What do you mean by that? And of course I want Dawn to be happy. I love her! Wow. I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm in love with Dawn Summers. Wow.  
  
What can I say about Dawn? She has dark brown hair like he finest silk. Blue Green eyes the colour of the ocean. Skin pale as the finest ivory. A smile that lights up a room. She's like a dimensional key, or used to be. Or still is. I'm not sure about that. She lives on the hell mouth. She's really brave like that.  
  
I'm not even sure why I love her. She is just so.amazing. Different, yet the same. She says so little yet so much. I really don't know how to explain it more than that.  
  
What can I say? I'm in love.  
  
Connor."  
  
And with that, he put the book on the desk and turned over, falling into an unsteady sleep of strange and fearful dreams. 


End file.
